Metal Gear Solid 2 1/2: The Colonel is Gay
by Shaylen
Summary: The Colonel seems to be paying Raiden's butt some special attention, among other things, R+R.


Colonel: The enemy is heavily armed, and well.. er... they're.. Good at spotting things... They can hear stuff... And... they know how to spot you!, So be extremely careful, and move with caution  
  
Raiden: ... Gee, they sound pretty dangerous... (Yeah, Right)  
  
Colonel: Yes, they are, Their guns are loaded with pink paintball rounds, If you're shot you'll be called a fag for life  
  
Raiden: ... (But I like the color pink)  
  
Colonel: Yes, I know, It's scary, I'd do it myself but I'm just a robo-- homo, hobo... I JUST DON'T WANNA... I mean, I do not have the qualification to do a mission like this, even though I am a colonel...  
  
Raiden: ... (You just have a bad back from being overweight, lard ass)  
  
Colonel: ...Say something Raide--I need scissors! 61!  
  
Raiden: What was that?  
  
Colonel: Got'cha!  
  
Raiden: Oh jeez, quit messing around  
  
Colonel: Look who's talking, Rookie  
  
Raiden: You callin' me a rookie?  
  
Colonel: Yes  
  
Raiden: ... (Old fossil... calling me a rookie, He's just jealous of my Bishounen-like qualities and the way I look in this body suit thing... Mm, Work it girl, work it!)  
  
Colonel: ...Raiden, what the hell are you doing?  
  
Raiden: Erm, Nothing  
  
Colonel: I could've swore you were checking your butt out in the mirror... It's not like I'm gay though, I'm not paying your butt any special attention, it is nice, I'm just saying...  
  
Raiden: ... (You flaming fruit..)  
  
Colonel: ... (He didn't need to wear that suit, he could've worn the baggy pants and sweat shirt, but no, NO, I wanted to see his ass, in that skin tight suit... Damn, what a package, what a package)  
  
Raiden: ... (Now I feel uneasy... I need a way to break this silence...)  
  
Colonel: ... (look at him... I bet he feels uneasy, and he's thinking of a way to break the silence)  
  
Raiden: ...(I must find a way to break this silence, he could be fantasizing about me.. Aaahh... AAH!)  
  
Suddenly Raiden cut the cheese.  
  
Colonel: Christ what was that?! A nuclear explosion?! Have the terrorists blew up the Big shell?!  
  
Raiden: .. It's Nothing...  
  
Colonel: Luckily only sound can come through codec... Not smell..  
  
Rose: We've upgraded our codec systems, Smell can now travel through code—  
  
Colonel gags heavily.  
  
Raiden: Oh god...  
  
Raiden is majorly embarrassed.  
  
Rose: You don't eat all your vegetables do you?  
  
Raiden: ...  
  
Rose: Oh no.. My dog fainted...  
  
Raiden: ?!...  
  
Raiden looks even more embarrassed.  
  
Raiden: Ahem.. Anyway... Colonel...  
  
Colonel: ...  
  
Raiden: What're you doing colonel?  
  
Colonel: Spraying Air-freshener..  
  
Rose: But you're just a robot, You can't smell...  
  
Colonel: ...!!  
  
Rose: I mean, You're just a homo, a sick little faggot who wants to get his hands on my Jack-ass!  
  
Raiden: Uh...  
  
Colonel: Yes... it's true... I'm sorry.  
  
Raiden: Quit looking at my ass and let's get on with the mission.  
  
Colonel: But it looks so good in that tight body suit.  
  
Rose: COLONEL!  
  
Colonel: *sigh* The mission, Right.  
  
Raiden: Well?  
  
Colonel: Um, the mission.... Let's see here... the papers say, I'm supposed to lead you on a wild goose chase, give you false information so you don't know the true purpose of this mission, and then a bit later I call you saying various jibberish and I'm suppose to make you pay for lunch in a few days...  
  
Raiden: Sounds good  
  
Colonel: Ok, there's this guy claiming to be the president, You gotta find him, find out if he's lying or not. If he's legit, save him, if he's a faker, throw him over board.  
  
Raiden: Got it  
  
Colonel: Oh yeah, along the way You'll meet Solid Snake, he's going to give you some "Lt. J.G. Pliskin" crap, just play along with him to keep him happy, ok?  
  
Raiden: Sure.  
  
Colonel: Good, Good. Now, What you're going to want to do is find a weapon, then go through the hall, there you will catch a good view of Solid Snake's butt as he goes up the elevator.  
  
Raiden: ... (You are SO gay)  
  
Colonel: Next to the elevator will be a Nerd.  
  
Raiden: ... Don't you mean Node?  
  
Colonel: Nerd, Node, Whatever.  
  
Raiden: Right.  
  
Colonel: Using the node, you will be able to download a map, until then you have to be on full alert.  
  
Raiden: Okay  
  
Colonel: No screw ups, slip ups, or slipping on pigeon turd once you reach the roof, got it?  
  
Raiden: Ok ok!  
  
Colonel: And if you find a crate of 61 scissors, bring them to Me.  
  
Raiden: Ok  
  
Colonel: Oh and if you meet some Fat man on roller blades, Tell him I said hi.  
  
Raiden: Got'cha.  
  
Colonel: Oh and after you kill him, Steal his roller blades for me.  
  
Raiden: Ugh, Okay!  
  
Colonel: Oh, and are you wearing a clean pair of briefs?  
  
Raiden: (Yes mother) Yes.  
  
Colonel: ... Good.  
  
Raiden: Can I get going now?  
  
Colonel: Yes  
  
*****  
  
Guard: No don't touch me there!  
  
Vamp: Hmph, fine, then you die!  
  
Guard: No!---Uuuaaagghhh!  
  
Vamp: That's 3 points for the V-man! 0 For you losers!  
  
Guard 2: Hey! ...How come he's dead and his pants are down?  
  
Vamp: Dead or alive, male or female, I don't care.  
  
Guard 2: Man You are sick!  
  
Vamp: Care to make this a 3-sum?  
  
Guard 2: No way!  
  
Vamp: Then you die!  
  
Guard 2: No waaa---aaghhh!  
  
Raiden gasps as he witnessed the whole thing.  
  
Vamp: Excuse me miss? If you're looking for the bathrooms they're over there.  
  
Raiden: Ah.. No, but thanks... Uh.. Who're you?  
  
Vamp: I could be your lover  
  
Raiden: No thanks I already got one  
  
Vamp: Oh poo...  
  
Raiden: Who are you?  
  
Vamp: Can't you read?  
  
Raiden: Well yes  
  
Vamp: It says my name right there! By the text of what I'm saying!  
  
Raiden: Camp?  
  
Vamp: No that's a V! not a C!  
  
Raiden: Oh, Vamp  
  
Vamp: Yes, I am Vamp  
  
Raiden: Why do they call you Vamp?  
  
Vamp: (Why do you keep asking so many fricken' questions?) I'll show you....  
  
Vamp picks up a lifeless guard and bites his neck.  
  
Raiden gasps  
  
An empty sucking sound is heard as Vamp pulls back and wipes his mouth.  
  
Vamp: Nothing like tropical punch koolaid!  
  
Raiden: Oh cool  
  
Vamp: Yes, So.... You don't wanna go in the other room and have some fun?  
  
Raiden: Nah  
  
Vamp: Oh... THEN YOU DIE!  
  
Raiden: You say that a lot  
  
Vamp: What should I say then?  
  
Raiden: I don't know.... I'd say "Die monster!, You don't belong in this world!"  
  
Vamp: Nah... that ain't me  
  
Raiden: Um... Go to hell?  
  
Vamp: Ok, I like that, GO TO HELL!  
  
Vamp throws a knife at Raiden  
  
Raiden dodges it.  
  
Solid Snake in disguise from behind a corner fires a gun, barely missing Vamp.  
  
Vamp shrieks like a girl and flees the room  
  
Raiden: Who the hell?  
  
Solid Snake: Hey, I'm the only f*ckin' one who can cuss manly.  
  
Raiden: Sorry, but who're you?  
  
Solid Snake: I'm.... Lt. J.G. Pliskin...  
  
Raiden: Oh, YOU...  
  
Pliskin: What?  
  
Raiden: Nothing... You just look like... SOMEONE....  
  
Pliskin: Who might that be?  
  
Raiden: My mother.  
  
Pliskin: Oh please  
  
Raiden: Nah you look like some legend I heard about, but You can't be him, You've got a mullet and You don't seem cool enough  
  
Pliskin: I'm not cool?! Where the hell have you been?!  
  
Raiden: You're not Solid Snake...  
  
Pliskin: Oh yeah...  
  
Raiden snickers a bit.  
  
Pliskin: What's your mission?  
  
Raiden explains  
  
Pliskin: Crazy colonel at it again, ah... Gotta love them wild goose chases, Good luck kid.  
  
Raiden: What about you?  
  
Pliskin: I don't feel like going with you... er no wait...  
  
Pliskin pulls out a gun and fires at his own arm  
  
Pliskin: I'm injured, I need to rest  
  
Raiden: Oh, okay  
  
Pliskin: Yeah... I'm just gonna sit here on the steps, Don't shoot me with an M9  
  
Raiden: Okay... I'll be going now Mr. Pliskin  
  
Pliskin: (Mr. Pliskin? What the hell does he think he's Gohan and I'm Piccolo or some crap?) Yeah, Yeah, get going.  
  
Raiden walks to the door behind Pliskin, then aims... and fires with the M9  
  
Pliskin gets some unneeded beauty sleep  
  
*****  
  
Raiden has been through hell, and now he must find and freeze a bunch of C4, first stop is the bathroom as he has to take a leak.  
  
Raiden: Ah, relief... I've been holding it in since yesterday  
  
Zip, flush, then Raiden walks to the mirror.  
  
Raiden: Looking good, beautiful!  
  
Raiden checks out his butt in the mirror, when he suddenly receives a message on Codec.  
  
Colonel: Nice butt, but What are you doing? Get searching for the C4!  
  
Raiden: Thanks... er... I know I know, I'm going  
  
Colonel: Good, there seems to be a C4 in the room you're in  
  
Raiden: WHAT?!  
  
Colonel: Don't panic, it won't go off... I think  
  
Raiden shrieks like a girl  
  
Colonel: Look around you, find it and use the coolant  
  
Raiden: Why don't you do it?!  
  
Colonel: What?  
  
Raiden: ...Sorry, I was thinking aloud...  
  
Raiden hangs up.  
  
Raiden: Now where could that C4 be?...  
  
Raiden looks to his left, his right, and looks at the sink closely, but he can't find it, even though it's showing up on his map, a big green spot where he's standing.  
  
Raiden: Where is it?!  
  
Codec bleeps  
  
Raiden: WHAAAT?!  
  
Colonel: Before you hung up on me, I was going to tell you, it's right above You  
  
Raiden: ..Oh  
  
Raiden hangs up again and looks up, spraying the coolant  
  
Raiden: What a weird place to put C4.... If I were hiding C4 all over the place... Where would I put it?.. I'd probably put it in the bathroom above the sink.... Yeah.  
  
Raiden resumes checking his butt out in the mirror.  
  
Raiden: Work it! Woo! I'm too sexy for this suit, too sexy for this suit, too sexy!—  
  
Codec bleeps  
  
Pliskin: Raiden, STOP DANCING IN THE MIRROR! You're scaring the reader  
  
Raiden: Sorry...  
  
Pliskin: Bad dog, no dinner for you  
  
Raiden whines like a dog.  
  
*****  
  
Pliskin: The old man bought the farm  
  
Raiden: Ok  
  
Pliskin: ...What's wrong with you? You aren't flipping out  
  
Raiden: Was I supposed to?  
  
Pliskin: Well it's your character  
  
Raiden: Oh ok.... OH MY GOD HE DIED?! NOOO!  
  
Pliskin: That's better  
  
Raiden: Thanks  
  
Pliskin: Now go find that Fatguy  
  
Raiden: That's Fatman  
  
Pliskin: Fatmale  
  
Raiden: Fatman  
  
Pliskin: Fatboy  
  
Raiden: FATMAN FATMAN FATMAN!  
  
Pliskin: Ok Calm down, I was just testing you out, getting you back into your whiney character  
  
Raiden: Oh? Thanks  
  
Pliskin: Anytime  
  
*****  
  
Raiden is on the rooftop, surrounded by crates.  
  
Raiden: Hey, there's a crate of 61 scissors  
  
Fatman: Too bad you won't be leaving this rooftop alive! Hahaha!.... Ok, did I just say that? That is so UN-me.  
  
Raiden: Fatman!  
  
Fatman: That's right...  
  
Raiden: Are you deadcell?  
  
Fatman: Yes You Idiot  
  
Raiden: Just making sure you weren't a random fat guy claiming to be Fatman  
  
Fatman: ..., ANYWAY... I'm gonna blow the Big shell sky high!  
  
Raiden: Why?  
  
Fatman: ... Cause Jenny Craig wouldn't accept me, they said I was a lost cause!  
  
Raiden: Sorry  
  
Fatman: I was joking you idiot! I love bombs... I'm the king of explosions, Master of C4.... Yeah  
  
Raiden: That was cheap  
  
Fatman: I couldn't do any better on such short notice, Vamp happened to use my copy of the script to wipe up something...  
  
Raiden: Oh, ok  
  
Fatman: So ya'see, We have to fight now, it's what's next  
  
Raiden: Yeah I know, but the Colonel told me to tell you Hi.  
  
Fatman: Eh? Is that so? How's the old buzzard doin' anyway?  
  
Raiden: Pretty good, But he's paying money to his ex wife as part of their devorce settlement, among other bills.  
  
Fatman: ... Right, Good to hear, now let's get goin' spanky!  
  
The battle starts, Fatman skates around planting C4 on 3 crates  
  
Raiden: Christ, a minute and a half to find 3 C4 on the crates..?!  
  
Fatman: Hahaha...  
  
Raiden barely finds all 3 C4 and freezes them  
  
Fatman: Hey, where'd you go?  
  
Raiden jumps up behind Fatman  
  
Raiden: Boo!  
  
Fatman: AAHHH!  
  
Fatman loses his balance and falls over the edge  
  
Fatman: Aaahhh there goes my plaaan! But atleast I'll go out with a baaaaaaaang!  
  
Fatman explodes as he had C4 strapped on him  
  
Raiden: Jeez...  
  
Colonel calls Raiden on Codec  
  
Colonel: What was that explosion?!  
  
Raiden: Fatman's dead  
  
Colonel: Did big shell explode?!  
  
Raiden: If it DID, I wouldn't be standing here on it talking to you  
  
Colonel: Oh... Did you get me the rollerblades?  
  
Raiden: Sadly no, but I found you a crate of 61 scissors.  
  
Colonel: Good, I need scissors 61.  
  
~Fin~ 


End file.
